Holly Madison was severely depressed and even considered suicide while living inside the glamorous Playboy Mansion.
Madison, who was Playboy founder Hugh Hefner’s “No. 1 girlfriend” from 2001 to 2008, got so depressed over her shallow, unfulfilling life that she considered killing herself in the bathtub.
“If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over,” Holly wrote in her new book, Down the Rabbit Hole.
Madison continued: “Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading. I just couldn’t take my misery anymore. Of course my family would be devastated, but I rarely saw them enough for my absence to make a difference.”
While most people think the lives of Playboy models living inside the Playboy Mansion is glamorous and fun, Holly said it was a gilded cage fraught with loneliness, insecurities and catty in-fighting.
Holly, who dated Hugh Hefner for seven years, said Hef often pitted the girls against each other to create petty rivalries so he could keep his young harem under his thumb. Not surprisingly, Madison said being one of Hef’s many young girlfriends made her very insecure.
“Living with Hef brought down my self-esteem a lot,” said Holly. “I was comparing myself to the other girls. You have to look a certain way at the mansion.”
Madison eventually got several plastic surgeries, including nose jobs and breast implants to look the way Hef preferred: Blonde, skinny and busty.
Looking back, Holly said plastic surgery gave her everything: fame, fortune, a love life and a career, Examiner reported.
“Plastic surgery made it easier for me to get things I wanted in my career,” said Madison. “Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It made me more confident. And a lot of doors open when you look a certain way.”
Holly starred on the hit reality TV show the Girls Next Door and was one of Hefner’s three girlfriend for seven years.
Madison is now married to businessman Pasquale Rotella, with whom she has a daughter named Rainbow. Looking back, Holly is grateful she didn’t cave in to her suicidal despair while languishing at the Playboy Mansion.
Down the Rabbit Hole comes out June 23 and is available for pre-order on Amazon.
Related: Holly Madison is lying, desperate for fame says Playboy Hugh Hefner